I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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