I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
