i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
