y did u give ur computer a hand job?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!