I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
