.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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