I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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