i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I believe in your delicious
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
