I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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