and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
