so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up under a house in Key West
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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