the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
