I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
