Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
