I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Boobs are out for the taking
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
