I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
