The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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