got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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