id be glad to
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My penis needs a shock collar
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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