I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize