Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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