i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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