Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
