this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
