I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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