She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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