I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
