im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
