What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
