my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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