How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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