Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
