she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
