giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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