I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
