My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
