It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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