if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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