I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
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