By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
