if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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