We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
