Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
