When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
