I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
