he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life