rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
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apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.