Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up