if you like me you must not know who I am
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
