did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
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i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
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Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.