ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
