you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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