Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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