Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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