I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
