I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
