it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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