I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
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How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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